


For all the places I have been

by CrystallizedInsomniac



Category: Tokyo Ghoul, Tokyo Ghoul:re
Genre: Non-Consensual Kissing, Not Canon Compliant, One-Sided Attraction, Other, Set after chapter 60
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-16 21:36:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5841868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystallizedInsomniac/pseuds/CrystallizedInsomniac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He thinks of Yonebayashi, her whining earlier in the day when she said she wanted to meet up with Tooru later. If he's honest, he's not going to regret not telling her about this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For all the places I have been

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from **Andrew Mcmahon** 's song **Cecilia and the satellite**  
>  _For all the place I have been_  
>  _I'm no place without you_

The situation presents itself in a single way: _how_.

Not _when. When_ can become a lot of things, despite what Yonebayashi likes to claim. _When_ can mean that it'll happen in a hour, maybe a year or ten from now. Maybe never, because when you're out in the field and there's blood on your hands — and you tell yourself _you're doing something right, ignore the thoughts of the one you're slaughtering might be your own family, your loved ones —_ then a _when,_ might mean _when_ you're going to die.

 _When_ you're going to draw in your last breath.

To Kuki, it is only the _how_ that's important.

He's thinking, eyes trained forward but not at all focusing on what's infront of him. His ears pick up the footsteps of Yonebayashi's low-heels on the floor, a steady beat in front of him. There are thoughts of the dinner he'll be attending tomorrow, he's not looking forward to it if he's completely honest. It's just another thing he has to do so he can be in his superior's good graces.

'Kuki,' says Yonebayashi. He peers at her behind long eyelashes. There is no response from his part, and Yonebayashi doesn't look back to see if he's even acknowledge her. She continues, 'look.'

He does look, and all he sees is Hachikawa's squad. At first, he only catches a brief glance of someone behind the man, but it's not Ayumu. Then his attention isn't set on the man himself, but rather on the male that's stepped out from behind the man's shadow.

If he stumbles in his step, he does not pay much attention to it. Yonebayashi lowers her speed, Kuki does too. The only difference is that Yonebayashi is outright staring at them and Kuki isn't. He's too busy trying to ignore the sour taste that's settled itself on the back of his throath.

Because they haven't seen each other in six months. Because Tooru seems more calm, more _observant_. Holds himself with an air of confidence that before, back when they were still in the same squad Kuki wouldn't have thought twice before popping that bubble. Now, it almost seems like it's a part of him.

He thinks, briefly, that if he were to step up, he'd be drowning on the familiarness that's Tooru but at the same time isn't. 

'It's Muuchan.' Yonebayashi says, like she's reading his mind. 

Indeed, it is.

He hasn't looked their way, too busy saying something to Chuu that from where they're standing isn't able to reach their ears. Kuki clicks his tongue, begins walking.

He counts four seconds before Yonebayashi's hurrying behind him.

'It's Mucchan.' This time, it's not lingered with slight doubt. It is a statement.

'So.'

'Let's—'

'No.' He grunts out, they walk past the duo. He does not feel eyes on his back. 

'Why?' it's a small whine, not loud at all. She does not want to attract attention, but then she speaks again and her voice sounds a bit further. Kuki realizes that maybe it's because she's peering at the duo over her shoulder. 'We haven't seen him in months.'

No, they haven't. 

Still, it isn't the right moment to greet their former teammate. It's in the way his hands twitch as he explained something to Hachikawa, the way his lips trembled ever so slightly. While Tooru is certainly confident and isn't afraid to speak up, it's not hard to at least give up when it came to Hachikawa's behaviour towards others. By the looks of things, Tooru has probably spent all day trying to reason with him. Over what? Kuki isn't particularly interested in.

But then, Yonebayashi has never been able to pick up the subtle hints. It's best if they don't try anything right now, lest the fool made them look like idiots. It wouldn't do well for him in the slightest.

'Saiko,' He says, 'We still have work to do.' 

And that's the end of that.

As they walk, he's barely aware of the sound of footsteps, a door opening and closing with a soft click.

 

Later, he recalls a brief conversation he had with Yonebayashi, when Mutsuki left and the new integrants for the Q's had been introduced. Yonebayashi took hold of the idea of a _when_ , they'll see Mutsuki. _When_ , turns out to be six month since the green-haired male left. Kuki only snorted, mumbled out _how_. 

And he'd be damned if the _how_ will be led by fate. _No_ , he thinks as he leans on the wall, observing Tooru from afar. Tooru who's walking towards him — no, not really. He's just walking in the same direction in which Kuki's in — while reading some documents inside a portfolio. Tooru who holds the information on one hand because the other is occupied, one finger on his mouth, just touching his lips.

Kuki wonders, a fleeting thought. Does he do that a lot? When he's concentrated, nervous? anxious? Did he use to do that when they were living under the same roof? Why does he even care?

And then he stops, wondering. Because Tooru has noticed him, has stopped just besides him. Lifts his face from the words and turns to face Kuki, and it's all brown eyes that he can see. 

Neither speak.

If Kuki had pursued an interest in writing, back when he was still a teen and trying to find out what he could do in his free time, he'd call the silence a tense one, one which he could pop with a needle because it was just visible, neither speaking nor actually making an effort to.

How he'd describe Tooru; If he were a writer, he'd call Tooru's porcelain skin a deep and rich mahogany color. He'd say his eyelashes were long and curled at the tip a bit upwards, a curtain half opened to reveal just a tease of brown, warm eyes. Home. He thinks.

But he's not a writer, he's an artist. And he's annoyed, because Tooru seems different. There's nothing more frustrating than realizing that maybe, he's gotten details wrong. He thinks back at the painting he has on his room, hidden behind easels and sheets, away from prying eyes. 

'Urie,' Tooru says, tone lingering on surprise and something else. 'How are you?'

'Fine.' He says after a moment, eyes still on Tooru completely. He doesn't say anything else, catches the way Tooru's gaze flickers off to the side momentarily.

'Good.' Tooru says, coughs, 'That's... that's good.'

'Hmm.' 

What comes out of his mouth next he has no control over, and if Tooru seems surprised, then he does too. He can feel the way his eyes widen momentarily but then shifts his face into a neutral look.

'Coffe?' Tooru blinks.

'Yes, I know a place that's close.' He shrugs.

Tooru wavers, it's a small action that he catches anyways. 'I don't think it's a— I, I have something to do right now and—'

In a swift motion, he stops leaning on the wall.

'It won't take long. I'll pay.' Then, when he sees that Tooru's still debating it, adds; 'We can talk about Yonebayashi and the new members of the Quinx.' 

Kuki decides to ignore the bitter taste on his tongue, shoves away the thoughts bubbling up when Tooru's eyes light up at Yonebayashi's name. _Of course he's interested if it means having an opportunity to catch up on Yonebayashi,_ everyone but him. It shouldn't bother him but it does.

He should say something, he doesn't want to talk about the idiots in his squad. Doesn't want that, if he wanted to talk about Yonebayashi he would've brought her along. But he didn't. He's selfish, he wants Tooru's attention on him.

Maybe it's because not having Tooru as a constant on the chateau has made him miss him. Maybe because he can no longer paint him without feeling like something's missing.

Kuki ignores how the answer he receives isn't met with no visible eye-contact, no familiar tone. 'Alright, lead the way.'

He thinks of Yonebayashi, her whining earlier in the day when she said she wanted to meet up with Tooru later. If he's honest, he's not going to regret not telling her about this. 

 

Just like he said, the cafe shop is relatively close to the CCG building. They walk inside and sit down on one of the tables near the windows. At first, they simply do small talk, which while boring and pointless, is better than nothing. 

Tooru begins by saying that he's been moving from squad to squad in the small amount of time since his departure from the Q's. How he's been spending more time with Suzuya and on the rare occasion managing to catch Sasaki's figure from afar, however, not once managing to make contact with him. Tooru says it's almost like he's another person, and smiles a bit, as if it were a joke.

Kuki tells him about Yonebayashi's strength, how useful she has become ever since the _incident_. How annoying the new members of the Q's have been but at least they're not as slow as they were when they had started. That followed up to talk about memories of things they used to do when they started.

It brightens up the mood momentarily, and he can see how Tooru begins to relax, feel more at ease. His smile becomes more free, more happier. His only visible eye warmths with nostalgia, the good kind. It makes Kuki feel warm. 

He swallows. Selfish indeed, and he wants it all for himself.

A fleeting thought goes through his mind, and he opens his mouth to ask. He doesn't get to, because a waitress comes in and asks them if they want to order something. Tooru orders some hot chocolate and he orders his coffee black. After the waitress leaves, Tooru taps on the table, eyes fixed everywhere but Kuki and he bites the inside of his cheek.

 _Look at me_. 'How are you right now, in Hachikawa's squad?'

'Hmm?' Tooru finally looks back. His mouth twitches, 'I'm doing fine.'

Kuki bites back a scoff. Instead sniffs, doesn't say anything else because Tooru keeps talking. Almost as if he needs to explain himself, and Kuki is peeved because he can't tell if he's telling the truth or not because everything's so different.

'We're going to Rushima tomorrow, so it's been somewhat stressful the past few days.' He lowers his voice so much, that if it weren't for the surgery they underwent a few years back, he wouldn't have caught it. 

Tomorrow, tomorrow he has a dinner invitation. How bothersome.

He knows how long those types of missions took, and there's something bitter about thinking of the fact that he won't be able to see Tooru for the amount of time they take over there, and that's if he doesn't take on more missions with a different squad. He knows that Tooru's been moving a lot.

He wants to ask him out again, even if it's just for more coffee.

When he opens his mouth, the waitress comes back and sets both orders on the table. Kuki levels her retreating figure with a venomous look but then sighs internally. He watches as Tooru nurses his beverage, and decides to do the same.

The silence isn't as awkward anymore, both parties too concentrated on the hot beverages in hand. Finally, when Tooru sets his mug down, he decides to finally speak.

'When will you be coming back?' _because I want to_ _get to know the new you._

Tooru shrugs, gets this look on his eye, slowly debating on an answer. 'It probably will take a day or two.' 

'A day or two.'

'Yes.'

'What will you do, after you come back?' Kuki asks, ignores the curious look that Tooru's leveling him with.

'It'll really depend on what my superiors decide. I'm not going to be staying long with Hachikawa.' The _He doesn't seem to like my presence much_ , goes without saying. 

Kuki shakes his head, leans forward on the table. 'No.'

'No?'

'I meant, in your free time.' Kuki replies, 'what will you do in your free time?'

_Spend it with me, I just want to look at you._

'Urie,' Tooru begins, and there's a sad and warning tone in there. Like he can read through Kuki like an actual open book. He _could_ once, probably _can_ right now. Maybe Kuki really hasn't changed. Because if Tooru can read him clearly right now, and Kuki can barely get an idea of what's going on through Tooru's thoughts, then this is wrong.

It's wrong.

and yet he clings.

'Urie,' He begins again. One hand goes to plant itself on top of one of Kuki's, warm. 'Don't, just... just— forget it.'

His throat closes up. His hands twitch.

Forget what? the moments they spent together? The way Tooru was there for him? When he lost control? when Shirazu died? When he spent so many weeks grieving and blaming himself? when Tooru was something he attached himself to and he'd be damned if he'd forget what they used to say to each other in the night.

A small part of himself, the rational part, says that Tooru never looked at him _that_ way. He was the one who fell, and fell hard. He thought, with Tooru leaving, he could finally get his priority straight. Months went by and he fooled himself to think that nothing had changed, nothing had been taken from him.

You can only fool yourself into indifference for so long.

And then Tooru came and managed to shatter all the resolution with one simple gaze of his beautiful eye. 

'I can't.' He finally utters out, small and undignified and pitiful. He can't even look at Tooru in the eye. 'I can't.'

He feels how Tooru becomes all awkward all of the sudden, the way his hand stiffens briefly. But then it's gone, and without looking, Kuki knows that there's pity in Tooru's gaze. He doesn't want to look at him, knows that if he does then what little control he has will shatter.

Maybe this was a bad idea. If he would've ignored his stupid brain, then maybe he wouldn't be going through this. He could have acted like he had never seen Tooru earlier today, let his heart mend itself in the months to come. But he's here and with Tooru's hands gripping his and—

'—ee you, then.' Tooru had been talking. Tooru's standing up.

Panic clouds his mind, he can't leave just yet. Not yet, not when he... not when— he can't it's just—

Kuki's aware of his body moving, in one second he's on his chair, the next he's in front of Tooru, close enough so he grabs Tooru's chin with his hand and traces his lips with his thumb. Leans in and presses a kiss on the male's lips. It's desperate, and he wants to press himself flush against Tooru. But doesn't, because Tooru's breath hitches, body goes stiff.

And then Kuki parts, and his eyes are guilty and nervous and he's expecting Tooru to scream at him. He deserves it he does, he's not a good person. He's selfish, he wanted Tooru for one last time, because he doesn't know how long he'll go without seeing him again and damn it all,  he can still feel those lips against his.

And it's divine, and he's _fucked_.

He's completely and utterly fucked.

And Tooru looks at him, not with hate or disgust. But with so much grief and sadness that it makes him want to hide. It makes him want to kiss him again. Breathe in his scent. Tuck the stray lock of hair behind Tooru's ear and just, he... he doesn't know. He just wants.

'Bye Urie.' Tooru says, and smiles, warmly. Kuki isn't totally concentrated on the fact that the smile seems a bit forced, because he can pick up the small things. But it makes his heart flutter, briefly, because that smile is aimed at him.

Tooru is a blessing, he can't hate him. He should hate him, hate him so much. 

'Don't be stupid.' _Please be safe_ , he says with his eyes.

 

Washuu asks him if he's planning to marry. He thinks of Tooru, Tooru who's on a mission. Tooru who doesn't like him back, Tooru who despite it all, still talks to him, still looks at him. Doesn't push him away. 

'I don't have a partner and for the time being my work takes first priority.'

He knows which part is the lie. 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, you guys can come leave prompts on my tumblr: CrystallizedInsomniac.tumblr


End file.
